48 bj: BEn Garber, A Certified Human (except in massachusets)
Date: 97-12-06 13:41:41 EST

hi everyone. guess what. i turned 18 tomarrow. YAY!!!!! anyways, i
dunno. I got a wonderful birthday card from former pope Leo X. list
member Val H. gave me legal custody of her sister, list member Jen H.
and list member Jon S. gave me some Brown University sports trading
cards. thats about it so far. more might come I suppose.

FOr those of you who have noticed my lack of appearence lately, I have
been asked back to the set of OUTSIDE PROVIDENCE and did A LOT of extra
work on both thursday and friday, i was there about 10 hours each day
helping to make a party seen. Both Jonathan Brandis (asshole) and Alec
Baldwin (nice guy, he poured me friend a cup of coffee) are both gone, as
was Saeah Gilbert who i never got to meet. But the guy who got my part,
who was also in the movie KIDS, was still there. This movie is going to
not be just an indipendent release tjough, this is a MAJOR motion
picture, and I AM in it. It will probably be well liked by fans of Dazed
and Confused and movies like that, only its funnier and theres more plot
to it. They said it will be released between 6 months and a year
probably. Unfortunately, I will not be list in the credits.

Michael Carente (forgot how to spell it), the directer of this movie, as
well as not well known movies such as federal hill and american buffalo,
is going to be making 5 more films over the next 5 years. He doesn't
have the rights yet, but what he wants to do sometime soon is make The
Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jack Nicolson as the Grinch. As well as
2 other commercial film makers currently shooting films in providence,
providence seems to becomeing a motion picture hot spot rather quick. We
have more film makers than boston. And considering that local art school
RISD, which is considered to have one of the best film departments in the
country, is right in this town as well, i think that means i will need a
good agent ASAP.

The sound track is pretty good too. What's on it? Well, from what it
seems, it will have Love The One You're With, American Pie, Spirit In The
Sky and Don't Bogart That Joint My Friend.

I got quite a few responses this past week about the hot strawberry
issue, most every body said put it in the microqave. but that is wrong,
i do NOT want micro waved milk. It doesot taste as good because it has
all the micro waves attached to the milkie pieces. But just when I was
in doubt, lst member Rachel S came to the rescue with the answer. I have
tried it and it worked. Here is what she wrote.
---------------- Begin Forwarded Message ----------------
Hi Ben,

They way I see it, you've got two options. You can heat up milk in a pot
until it's the right temperature and then mix in the quick, or you can
feed a cow strawberries and stick it somewhere down near Equador. I find
the first method usually works better, and it also doesn't give those
damn ASPCA people an excuse to come after you.

Always happy to be of help,
----------------- End Forwarded Message -----------------
The first question I had was how do i know when its hot enough????? But
then the 2nd idea seemed to be much better. Because, milk is white cause
the grass that cows eat is white. and so are the pestasides. The same
thing with flamingos. If I gave the cows strwberry's insted of grass,
they would not only produce pink grass, but pink hamburgers as well.
And, by keeping them in Equado, right near the Equater, a real hot spot
for heat, the strawberry milk should come steaming hot out of the utters.
Unless its a bull. Thanks rachel!!! You win a free canister of
Strawberry flavered Stawberries. Now, how do I get them to you? Thanks

And I have 2 entire letters to answeragain, the first being from Dana ?.
of Longhorse, Columbia:


after seeing how your mailing list works, i will not ask you questions
incestantly. but thank you for explaining about yourself. i would call
the birthday hotline, but as phone call from rhode island to chicago are
a bit expensive i will just tell you happy birthday. my birthday is this
friday and i will be getting a license fortunately. i think you should
get a license because even if you dont need one now, it will just happen
that you will need one one day and you wont have anything and that would
suck. it does suck though that i am only turning 16 and im a junior and
i deserve to be so much older than that. but hey i guess you are stuck
with what you got. the mail people send you is hilarious. when that guy
was telling you about his skills as a masturbator it reminded me of this
guy driving next to me last week who wouldnt let me pass him and when i
did get next to him he was jerkin off- i dont think i have ever seen it
done so fast and it was disgusting- so thanks for the fond memories-
actually im kidding his letter was amusing. well have a good birthday- i
know i will.


Dear Ben,
Your welcome. Now it is your turn to explain your self, as the next
issue will feature an "All About Dana Special." Who are you exactly?
The list demands to know. But I would like to wish you a happy birthday
any hoo. Don't dis my anti-lisence having status, I am still getting ID.
And you are lucky to through school so fast. I never was a junier
myself. I went Freshman ->sophmore -> Sophmore again -> Senior. Aren't
you impressed by me??? Well, if not, it seems at least you are
impressed by dave. Congradulations Dave!!! you have sonme one to send
your videos to!!

The 2nd is from 50th member Lizz ?. of Fockayo, Mama

hey ben, whats up? i was truly honored to have received a reply from you.
i feel special. :) thanks for taking the time to respond to me. i alos
want to know smoehting about yuo. how old are yuo, where do you live, are
yuo single......
all that good stuff. ok, ill let yuo go now. have a nice thanksgiving


Dear Lizz,
Don't feel special, the response was automated. I will be 18 tomarrow
though, I live in yo mama's moomoo, and if you don't count yo mama, yes I
am. But I am all ready intrested in yo mama.

Don't forget my birthday hotline is open!!!! I am awaiting your call.
The Ben Garber Birthday Hotline is at 401-421-4003, leave a message at
least!!! Just say happy birthday. Or you can send me a card:
Ben Garber
98 Elton St.
Providence RI 02906

This week's album recomendation is Fleetwood Mac's Fleetwood Mac. All
smashing pumpkins fans will like the origional version of Landslide
better, as SP RUINED the gad damned thing, but the way Stevie Nicks does
it is beutiful. Also, the rest of the album is great too. Fleetwood
Mac, for some reason, has a really bad rep, but in fact are VERY VERY
good. Even Billy Corgan likes them. This is a great album.

Take care of your tonils for me!!!!

your little care bare of uranian desent,
Ben Garber

PS. this is my last letter to be sent as a child. From now, the letter
will be sent by an adult.

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