47: Subj: Where is my scarf?
Date: 97-12-03 17:48:19 EST

Hiall. I am here again, and I am still ben, a master of zen and a
spender of yen. Waddap yall? You know, i was reading in the paper. It
said that the INXS guy died :-( Upon reading this, I said to my self
"Ben, how do you feel?" I said vback to my self "i'm lonely." So i
asked my self "Ben, what do you think?" "Can't think at all," I
replied. "Wacha gonna do?" I finaly replied "I'm gonna live my life."

anyways, other fun news includes my new gloves. I don't know the
difference between gloves and mittens, but they are all gloves to me, but
this is half gloves/half mittens. They are mad of fleese. When you need
to pick something up, you pull off the finger cover and it turns into the
kind that has each finger and doesn't have a top to each finger. I like
them, this is my first pair of gloves in maybe 9 years or so. I would
always used to just keep my hands in my sleves. But then i said a few
days ago "get some damn gloves" so I did.

Here is a problem. I really like strawberry quick. I also like hot
chocolate. So, i figured i would make hot strawberry. Now, most hot
chocolate, you boil some water then mix in the mix. But with quick, you
HAVE to use milk. So I boiled some milk. A few minutes late I returned
to find an orgasmic tea pot. That was not any good. SO, my question is,
being the following, hhow do i make hot strawberry? Ho w do I make the
milk hot enough? The first person to give me a solution that works wins
a prize. so PLEASE help. if not for me, do it for my birthday.

In my creative writing class, i have been writing some brand new
stpories. I was better than the rest of my class so mty teacher said
that I shouldnt do the normal asignments and should insted write a book
of children's stories. Here is one of them, remember, its MY story, not
yours and all that legal junk at the bottom of the letter.

BEn GArbEr's
The Foxy and the Not So Foxy

Mr. Fox was always such a kidder. He was CONSTANTLY playing jokes on
people. That's all he ever did. He was one of those people who you
could never trust. What ever you did or said, Mr. Fox would always turn
it into some sort of a joke. No one ever took him seriously.
One time, it was around the fourth of July, and his neighbor, Mr. von
Jack Ass was setting up the fire works that he had special ordered all
the was from China Town. They cost him over $5000, as these were the
most beautiful fire works available. When they went off, they would
resemble patriotic shapes, like the American flag and Abraham Lincoln.
Mr. von Jack Ass was so excited, this was the most exciting day of his
life. But his family wasn't around, and Mr. von Jack Ass had to go to
the super market and get some patriotic food; such as weaners, cheese
burgers, ketsup, buns, charcoal and lighter fluid. He really needed to
go, but was worried that something might happen to the fire works, so he
went and depended on some good old neighborly help from Mr. Fox, and
asked him to keep an eye on his fire works. So he did.
As you probably guessed all ready, Mr. Fox saw this as a perfect
opportunity to play a trick on Mr. von Jack Ass. What did he do? He
took out Mr. von Jack Ass's patriotic fire works, such as the American
flag and Abraham Lincoln, and replaced them with Nazi fire works, such as
the German flag and Adolf Hitler. He also switched the accompanying tape
of the "Glory" soundtrack with the soundtrack to Mel Brooks's "The
Producers." When Mr. von Jack Ass returned, he didn't even notice
anything had changed. Every thing was all set up, now all he had to do
was prepare the food.
Well, the fourth of July came and Mr. von Jack Ass had invited all his
friends and family and business associates to come see his special fire
works. He was so excited, half the town was there. He set off the fire
works and turned on the tape and quickly turned red when he saw the Nazi
themed fire works exploding, as the radio sung "It's spring time for
Hitler in Germany." Mr. von Jack Ass's German surname didn't help a bit.
Once one of the town's most respected people, Mr. von Jack Ass quickly
lost a lot of popularity.
The next day, Mr. von Jack Ass went over to Mr. Fox's house and started
screaming at him.
"I am so embarrassed!!! Why in the hell would you do this to
me?!??!?!!!? What in hell did I do to you!?!?!?!?!?!??? You have ruined
me!!! You have destroyed me!!!! And what have I done to deserve
it!??!?!?!? NOTHING!!!!!"
Mr. Fox interrupted, "Hey! Don't blame me, I was just trying to have a
good time. And you still have your family! That's all that really
matters in the end."
Mr. von Jack Ass exploded. "You, sir, are the most horrible man I have
ever feast my eyes upon. You, sir, are Satan in disguise. I wish I had
never laid my eyes on you!! I wish I had never even met you!! You and I
are friends no longer!!! You and I, sir, are no longer neighbors!" Mr.
von Jack Ass stormed out more furious than he had stormed in.

A few weeks later, Mr. Fox wanted to make himself a chicken dinner. He
snuck into Mr. Farmer's yard and stole one, but was now unsure how to
cook it. But Mr. von Jack Ass was a chef, and knew very well, so Mr. Fox
decided he would go over and ask him to cook a chicken. Soon after
knocking on his door, Mr. von Jack Ass came to the answer all dressed up,
and with some very strong cologne. Mr. Fox said "How do I cook a
"GET OUT!!!" Mr. von Jack ass screamed as he slammed the door. Mr. Fox
quickly figured out that if he hadn't played that joke on him, he could
have cooked that chicken. Being a kidder turned out to be not the
greatest thing in the world, as it got Mr. Fox into trouble. But just as
Mr. Fox was thinking that, a little red corvette pulled up to Mr. von
Jack Ass's house, and a young Miss Kitty got out and strutted to the Mr.
von Jack Ass's house. What was this? Mr. Fox decided to do a little
Mr. Fox took out his video camera with a super zoom x-ray lens. And
what he got on film got Mr. von Jack Ass into a lot of trouble. Mr. Fox
showed the video to Mr. von Jack Ass's entire family. That lead to not
only a divorce, but he lost custody of his kids, his house, his car,
everything he ever owned. He lost it all in divorce court, and was now
forced to live alone on the streets.
You see, kids, because Mr. Fox was such played a joke on his neighbor,
his neighbor wouldn't help him to make chicken, and the chicken ended up
going to waste. Where as Mr. von Jack Ass cheated on his wife, and he
lost every thing he had. The moral here, kids, is that is always better
to be a kidder than an adulterer.

list member Marth P. of G, MPOPAO

ben g -
y'know, it occurred to me that your movie idea, with no lines and just
music, reminds me of Shem's improv dance that he once did at Gordon Camp,
with Yellow Submarine (the video) playing in the background. Do you know
Shem? Neither do I. Oh well.
your b'day present is on the way - if you don't get it by or on the 7th,
you can blame Pete m. it's his responsibility since I won't come home
the 19th.
love, cornflake

Dear Martha,
I knew shem, and this is QUITE a far away from a shem piece. A present
for me? How thoughtful!!! YOu win a prize!!! I owe you $10. But now i
am not sirprised any more.

List member Emmanuel M. writes of Srasota, Florida,

I got me a camera, and a LOT of hi-tech doodads and know-how. I've
been taking video editing for three years at this place furtively called
"the Institute". I'd be more then happy to lend a hand.


Dear emmanuel,.
you have been cast.

I have a head ache, and there is no food in the house, or drinks, except
trix. i am uninspired.

For those who don't know, my birthday is on december 7th. I will be 18,
which means I will finaly be old enough to be liable for children. You
MAY call the Ben Garber Happy Birthday Hotline at 4014214003, or snd
cards and or gifts to ben garber 98 elton st. Providence RI 02906. Thank

List member Eric R. sent me this, and I thought I would pass it on.

>Subject: recipe
>Date: 12/03 4:02 PM
>Received: 12/03 3:37 PM
>From: Eric R.
>To: Ben G.
>Pass it on:
>This is a true story. Please forward it to everyone that
>you can.You will have to read it to believe it.
>My daughter and I had just finished a salad at
>Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small
>dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we
>decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so
>excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and
>the waitress said with a small frown "I'm afraid not." "Well"
>I said, "would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile,
>she said "YES". I asked how much and she responded,
>"Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, "just add
>it to my tab". Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from
>Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had
>only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I
>glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe -
>$250.00". That's outrageous!!!
> I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them that the
>waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not
>mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any POSSIBLE
>interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to
>budge. They would not refund my money, because
>according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our
>problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely
>will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her
>the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas. I
>threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau
>and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud.
>I was basically told, "Do what you want, we dont give a
>crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited a
>moment, thinking of how I could get even, or even tryworth
>of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every
>cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has
>a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus. for free.
>She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this" I said, "Well
>you should have thought of that before you ripped me off",
>and slammed down the phone on her. So, here it is!!!
>Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can
>possibly think of. I paid $250.00 dollars for this. I
>don't want Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny
>off of this recipe.
>(Recipe may be halved):
>2 cups butter
>4 cups flour
>2 tsp. baking soda
>2 cups granulated sugar
>2 cups brown sugar
>5 cups blended oatmeal
>(measure oatmeal and blend in blender to a fine powder)
>24 oz. chocolate chips
>1 tsp. salt
>1 8 oz. Hershey bar (grated)
>4 eggs
>2 tsp. baking powder
>3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
>2 tsp. vanilla
>Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla;
>mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and
>soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll
>into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
>Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

Now, I know that I have told MANY of you but not all of you of a very
peculier dream I had a few weeks ago. My mother amd I was on a plane,
and I knew something was wrong when they didn't go through saftey
presdures, i was all ready scared and then we took off, we got up 100
feet when we crashed. So we got onto a different plane, and switched
airlines. This time, we would be flying No Doubt Airlines, with the no
doubt logo on the tail. When I got on, the cock pit was more like the
driver's seat on the bus, though the rest was like a plane. I noticed
the pilot was No Doubt's horney looking drummer, and there was
instrumental no doubt music in the backround. Then I sat down, and soon,
the stewrtess came out to go over the saftey prosedures, and the
stewrtess was Gwen Stefani. And she came on and she was doing kind of
yell/sing pep voice as she went over the safety, over the music. Then we
took off and the rest doesn't matter. But that was just wierd.

anyways, good night, sebastien. This week's album recomendation is Men
At Work's Buisness as usual, containing the hits I Come From a Land Down
Under and Who Can It Be Now, this was by far the best album they did, and
its pretty good. I recomend it.

See ya later,

Your atominc submerine 24 hour on call mechanic,
Ben Garber

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