39 Subj: Me And Bobby Butafuco
Date: 97-11-10 22:53:59 EST

Hi everybody!!! Welcome to the VETERAN'S DAY SPECIAL to comemorate all
of our friends and enamies who fought for their lives in the civil war.
We thank them. And, we also thank our TWO NEW MEMBERS foe joinin' us heah
tizz evenink. I would like to welcome new list member Rachel S. of the
netherlands, and new list member Gavin G. of panama. Welcome, friends.
So i dunno. This intro duction is week. But we also have the return of
an older member, Jill M. She had to leave for a bit, but has now
returned. Everybody, please be sure to get more members. WE NEED JUST
TWO MORE TO SAVE THE WORLD!!!

Is it just me or is Bjork starting to look more and more like Gene
Simmons (for those of you not whereing Kiss makeup, Gene Simmons is the
lead guy from kiss, a band I don't like very much of what I've herd, but
I like their make up). Happy veterans day.

I'd firstly like to send a shot out to list member Jen L. Jen has had
surgery resently, so every body wish her well and send her a card or a
pack of asperin or something. Something to make her feel better. I
figure asperin never fails at taht. Unles you have an ulcer, but nun the
less, get well soon jen!!! You have captured our hearts and we all want
you to have the bestm you possably can, or we are sad
!

My birthday is coming up!!! I will be eight fucking teen wahoo!!!
on 12-7. You may send presents to:
Ben Garber
98 Elton st.
Prov. RI 02906

You can also leave me special birthday answering machine messages!!!!
call the ben garber birthday hotline at 401-421-4003. You will not be
charged for this call (just kidding). But comon, think of ME for a
change.

What was every body for holloween? Well, let mne go through what I've
been top whayt I just was. 2 years ago, the federal roosters went trick
or treating all together (i liked to say "roost or treet"), i didn't
costume, but P. Josh Griffen (rooster name: Opal Goldman) happend to have
a santa clause hat that i ended up whereing, so i was santa clause. Last
year i went wityha different group, and put on a skirt and a hat with
wings and got a magik wand and was a ferry. This year I got a burger
king crown and went as Jughead Jones of archie comics. But I didn't go
trick-and-treatsing, i just went with some people to minervas. Go
figure! it wasnt holloween, it was just like a normal friday. What were
the rest of you for holloween? submit your cstumes to me so i cn where
them, and so I can tell you all what you all were for holloween. Are you
happy? Its not like you dont know what you were, but oh well. good
night.

Bad news everybody. If you stay in my house's shower too long, it leaks
throgh and falls in our front hallway. Which means no more than a 10
minute shower. How the hell am I suposed to pass the time now? Crap.
Crap crap crap. I tend to spend a lot of time in the shower when my
parents are home. What do i do inthe shower? I just sit there and
think. I some times hsampoo my hair, because it looks better that way.
but the problem is that it makes my hair fall out. My hair is stronger
with out shampoo and I prefer stronger hair to prettier hair. I have
tried every kind of shampoo, from everykind of pert plus to salon
selective to GNC or what ever. it just doesn't work, no matter the kind.
So i wash it maybe once a week or so. maybe 2 or 3 times some times.
but i don't want to oose my hair. But the reason i'm in the shower is
cause its more peacegful in there. When my parents are home they annoy
the hell out of me, making a lot of noise (my dad spends about 3 hours a
night romping around in the kitchen, which is directly above me, devided
by a thin cieling/floor that lets in all the noise.) I used to turn my
music up as loud as possable, but i have discovered how bad that is for
my ears. And plus my parents would keep coming down anyways to say
things. So the shower is my retreat, the peaceful zone, the quiet zone,
the relaxing zone, the plesent zone, and all that. Its nice. Its the
one place my parents don't come and bother me. Or so you;d think. Cause
after 5 minute, they knock hevily on the door and yell at em cause the
floor is leaking and ruining the hall way. So i hvae to get out. Which
aint much fun, ya know what i mean, julie bean?



And now for a special feature:

snippets from the NYT best selling novel "Ben Garber's Situation Guide."
Pick up a copy at your local book reseller if you find this helpful.

find your self in bad situation? not sure what to door say in
situations? People constantly insult you and you just sit there like a
piece of shit and smile? well, by memorising and practicing these simple
but useful phrases, you will be prepared for every situation possable.
see how easy it is. how ever, since these are origional, and I DO own
the rigts to them, I am requreing that If you use any of my phrases, or
imply use of my phrases, that you give me credit and send me a $10
(grand) royal ty fee every time you use any of these. Thanks. and now,
for me.

Possable attack: "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of
elderberries."
Apropriate response: "You silly English pig-dog."

Possable attack: "You suck."
Apropriate response: "You suck worse."

Possable attack: "Yo mama is delicious."
Apropriate response: "Yo mama tastes like shit."

Possable attack: "You're ugly."
Apropriate response: "So are you."

Possable attack: "You smell."
Apropriate response: "I know."

Possable attack: "Fuck you."
Apropriate response: "Fuck you too."

Possable attack: "Elvis is dead."
Apropriate response: "THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!!! SHUT UP!!"

Possable attack: "Hanson sucks."
Apropriate response: "What's wrong with Hanson?"

Possable attack: "I'm gonna beat the shit outta you, dude."
Apropriate response: "ok."

Possable attack: "Hello"
Apropriate response: "Fuck off"

Possable attack: "Gazuntite."
Apropriate response: "What a stupid answering machine you have."

And thats all for my situation guide. Do you have any situations you
feel uncomtravble with? Let me know, andI will help prepare you for next
time.

I guess I will start Ex-off with fun news from the pages of SPIN magazine
(better than Jeff Charles):
-EX-Milli Vanilli frontman Fabrice Morvan has embarked on a solo career.
Eschewing the faux-mo aesthetic of the disgraced duo, Morvan has cast has
cast off trademark hair extensions, synthesisers, and voice dubbing. He
now performs solely by acoustic guitar. "The only recognition that
Iwant is to be respected as a singer and songwriter," he said recently.
"What comes afterward, I don't know."
-Since Traffic accidents in Turkey caused 2,713 deaths in the first
seven months of 1997, Turkey's Ministry of Health now requires that
regulation body bags be kept in all veicles, cinemas, cafes, houses and
workplaces that can accommidate more than five occupants.
-Every year, the U.S. State Department holds a lottery to award 55,000
immigrant visas to foreigners without family connections in the U.S. The
odds of winning are about 600 to one for most participants, and once
chosen (by a computer in New Hampshire), the lucky winners must proove
they have a high school diploma and money in the bank. They must also
show evidence that they are neither polygamists or Nazis.
-Proving that a little knowlege is a dangerous thing, and a little
knowlege about two things is even more so, a man in Washington was
hospitalized after using the Internet to pursue his intrest in the
cocktail nation's surprise catnip, absinthe. The man had read on the net
that the primary ingredient of abstinthe is wormwood, and then - again
via the net - ordered essential oil o of wormwood from an aromatherapy
supplier. Confusing the wormwood oil with its infamous alcoholic
derivative, he drank the oil, and was in the hospitol for eight days as
a result of the heart and kidney ailments the poison caused.
-Gold Rule Of Animation #23: Fart jokes never get old.
-List member Carl S. of Wawa, Wawawawawawawawa writes:
dear benly ben,
it has been so long since we have shared apple pie. my eye my eye my
eye.
pertaining to your band name, i think i have just the thing for a name,
but
am keeping it as my own. i will not disclose it here as you may feel
inclined to post this on your godly gord of goodness email list, but if
you
would agree to meet with my at some point with briefcases and sunglasses
and crisco in our hair, then i may speak with you about it. and maybe the
possibility of our venturing on the road to musical moondom together,
under
this or another title. for less great titles for a band, "apple pie",
"chumble spuzz", "peach fuzz", "just for scuzz", "what the west once
was".
i am overjoyed to hear of your pregnancy, ben, and you erect nipples. yes
indeed. but be careful, THERE'S PUDDING BEHIND YOUR EYES AND I MAY JUST
DECIDE TO CUDGEL YOUR HEAD IN. otherwise have a pantsful of fun in the
bun.
love and hugs and kisses and s*x,
carl "best if used before a book" smith
Dear Carl,
What does this word you use "cudgel? I have not refered to it before in
my days of english speaking and I am most cirtenly not a pig, and there
for am fresh out of pudding. Please refer to your local (something). Is
cudgel that kosher noodle pie my Nana makes me? But that wouldn't make
sense the way you use it. YOu confuse me, mr. lover man. Please write
back when you make CENTS!!!! Damn kids.
Love,
Ben

PS. Try just a little bit harder (so I can love love love him, I tell my
self)

List member Jon s. of gkdskhjgsfdhjkfsdkhj, california writes:

Dear Benny-
In responce to your suggested album from the last newsletter: 1. I
happened to be listening to that very album(G N' R's Appetite for
Destruction) when i read your newsletter, which was odd. 2. It came out
in 1987. 3. I thought you might like to know that I bought this album
and Use Your Illusions 1 from a guy who needed drug money, so I paid him
5 bucks! I win again.

jon

Dear Jon,
This is the most strange occurence. I hope this does not happen again.
Love,
Ben

This week's album recomendation is by a band that started in right here
in providence, who you ALL know. Let me give an introduction. David
Byrne and some other member(s) of this band attended the Rhode Island
School Of Design (RISD) at the same time as my dad and Martin Mull were
there. Anyways, to make the introduction short, they became the fusion
link between rock and roll and 80s pop, called the talking head. With
their synthesisers and beats and guitars and bass, and David Byrnes
different appoach to vocals, they have become a band whose unmistakeable
sound has gone unduplicated (except by Don Henly, Dirty Laundry sounds
alot like the talking heads). But the album i am recomending is my
favorite of the ones I have, and is called Fear of Music. This features
one version of one of the talking head's signatures, Life Durring Wartime
(thats the one that goes "This Ain't No Disco.... I ain't got time for
this now)." I recomend it cause its good. I dont have a lot too say
about it cause i don't know it too well yet, its just an album I lissen
to some times that I really like, its something you should all get.

I have a question. Does anyone here of all, or at least most of the
albums i recomend? Does any one say "ok" and go out and get every album
I recomend? I hope so.


Here is another story I wrote for creative writing. Remember all the
copy right and ownership stuff. I forgot the assignment, but here is
what I wrote.

Every once in a while, a bat flies through the window and splats on the
wall. This is usualy a pain in the ass, because we have to clean it up.
Some times the bats live, but then they are usualy at least dumb deaf
and/or blind. We have tried coming up with a way to stop the bats from
doing this. And we had a great idea!! What we did is we put a bucket
under where they usualy splat. When a bat splats, we just lift up the
bucket and dump out the bat. This makes life much easier for all of us.


Well, so long EVERY single body (even the dead ones)!! And get well
soon, Jen L.


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