38 Date: Thu, 6 Nov 1997 07:11:38 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Elvis Doesn't Work Here

The p to the v to r-i-t-a. its spells pvrita.

so what?

So thats what I am naming my self for today.

I have a problem everybody!!! ICE CREAM!!! I can't stand the stuff
cause it gives me a head ache. I mean, it tastes good and all, but you
know it just makes my head hurt inside, and i want to scrach it but i
cant, cause to scrach it i would need to open my head, which i could do,
but i wouldn't know how to close it, and with winter coming and all,
thats a pain in the arse. damn it, what do I do? Please help.

I would like to draw your attention this week to list member Laura S,
asked me to do an interview with me. I said sure, so here is the answer
to your questions, Laura:

Ok, ben. 20 questions is what you want? 20 questions is what you'll
get. Too bad you didn't ask for 20 good questions, something I'm sure
you'll regret.

1. Have you ever read Moby Dick?
Yes. I also know the song.
2. Who's your favorite Little Rascal?
3. In a WWF type wrestling match, who would win Gumbi or Winnie the
gumbi, cause you can break him and put him back to gether.
4. What's your name, Ben?
5. If you could invite five people (dead or alive, fictional or real)
a dinner party, who would they be (besides me, of course)?
The Nazis
6. Is spam really immortal?
7. Who's your favorite member of Monty Python?
the comfy chair
8. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
this sounds familier
9. Why did the chicken cross the road?
cause of the stank.
10. What's the square root of -9345.456?
there is no square root to a negative number
11. What's it like to be allergic to scotch tape?
12. Who's your favorite list member?
Santa Clause
13. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
This sounds familier
14. What's the meaning of life?
santa clause
15. If you have two apples, and I take one, how many apples do you have
16. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does
it make a sound?
did the tree really fall?
17. What's the sound of one hand clapping?
(plese see the enclosed audio attachment)
18. What's the difference between Buddhism and Zen Buddhism?
Buddists where boxers, Zen Buddists where briefs.
19. Which do you prefer, tortosises or hares?
hares, because they live longer.
20. How much did the tooth fairy give you for your last tooth?
i don't recall
take care,

Thanks laura for interviewing me. I hoped that served your purposes
well. Anyways, I was over whelmed this week by mail. Though I have to
likit my self to just 2 letters, baby, I will do that. So here we goes
cause every thorn has its rose. And every cowboy sings the same sad
song. And all we are is dust in the wind. My new book is entitled "the
compendium of 1980s rock n roll philosaphy." Pick it up now at your
local boock rseller, or order it dirrect from me. I $19.95 each. I
will give every other one away for free.

The first letter is from Lauren S. of 1234, Getyouromanonthefloor.

Dear Ben,
Recently a man of another religious background asked me to marry him.
I have mad problems with this... Number one because I don't really
believe in God. Number two because not only is he demanding we raise
two kids Jewish but I have to convert too! Number three because he
demands that I can't havbe any fun (no drugs, alcohol) after we get
married (he argues he will fuck me and I will feel good that way...
bullshit!). So my actual question is, Should I marry him or no? He is
really cool and he's a prospective doctor and he said he'd buy me a
mountain and let me pursue my dream of being a farmer! SO... give me
advice ASAP!

Love Always,

Dear Lauren,
I'm afraid i do not know the answer for sure. But i will attempt to
answer. For get him, school is where its at. If you continue with your
edumacation, you can proove him wrong and be a farmer and have 7
mountains. I dunno what the hell I am talking about. But I suggest
you refer to the syndicated reruns of Married.... With Children for an
acurate view of a typical Jewish marrage. Watch and deside for
Now, can you picture them as farmers? There you have your answer.
luck and shanatta shabang. Slamiel. Shlamzle. Alf and webster

The 2nd letter is from Marissa L of Pizza, Huttttttttttch.

Hey Ben~
Just to let you know, whoever likes Lynchpin rocks! My friends are
all really into that band, for example: Dan Reifler, LV (Larry
Valliere), Brad Caetano, etc. They rock!


Dear Marissa,
Good. Good. Good. Good. I dunno your "friends", but i am happy for
you. Hooraay for the greatest garrage band ever!!! Dave, is that
Would you call yourself a Garage Band? Marissa, I want you to know I
pregnet. But don't tell people though, ok? I'm kind of embarressed
about it. It is a sirprise though. I all ready had a vasectamy, it
seems kind of impossable. But hey, remember what they said in Jurrassic
Park? naturfe finds away. Well, see ya later, marrissa.

Speaking of band names, I need to come up with a new one. I am
forming a new band, a rockabilly band. So we need a rockabilly name.
Here are some of the ones I came up with.

Johnny and the Kangaroos
Johnny and the Jacksons
Paul Perie and his Herd of Ostriches
Tampon Tim and The Menstration Trio
Ronnie Rake and the Soda Bottles
The Buttons
The Snaps
The Tampons
The Maxi Pads
The Blood Doners
The Triangles
The Dentists
The Auctions
The Tress Passers
The Rip Tiles
The Bloody Rags

I dunno. Whats your favorite? Vote for your favorite or submit your

This week's album is Guns N Roses's Appitite For Distruction. An
classic of 1989 (was that the year? It could have been 88. It was in
3rd grade). The album sports the classics "Welcome To The Jungle,"
"Paradise City," and "Sweet Child O' Mine". Its pretty good. I
it, it should be a standard in all of your collections.

Anyways, i want to go to sleep. This letter was short, but thats cause
the last was long. But all in all, they all suck. Everybody, we have
members. We need just 3 more, please get some more. I would like to
wish the B. Twins happy 17th birthday, and list member Kate P. her 2nd
birthday in less than a month. She wanted 2 birthdays, so we are giving
her 2. ok? ok. I have my birthday in just more than a month, get those
presents rolling. I would like to appolagise to list member Dave N.
week for using has last name. You know i never do that with list
members, i apolagise. I just got carried away. Here is a one last
article for you to read, something to do something about. I sent this
some of you all ready, but here it is for all of you now.


Ok, i'm against this. 1stly, i don't believe that parents shoulkd have
COMPLETE control over what not just kids,, but other people in the
household watch. I think that I am old enough to deside on my own and
deal with it, why should my parents be given the power to make me
decisions? Its bad enough as it is, this doesn't help. However, i can
see that companies might use this technolagy to sell teir products, i
strongly don't believe this should be mandatory. What do you think? Do
you want a password on the TV? read the article, take a stand. Let yer
friends, know, have them do the same. Thanks for your time.

The FCC Wants V-Chip in PCis too

Mandating that all new televisions have built-in censorship technology
is not the only thing that the Federal Communications Commission (FCC)
is seeking, said ACLU Associate Director Barry Steinhardt, it is also
looking to require that the same technology be added to all new personal

Last year, culminating a protracted campaign against TV violence,
Congress passed the Telecommunications Act of 1996, a law requiring that
new televisions be equipped with the so-called V-chip. The V-chip is a
computerized chip capable of detecting program ratings and blocking
adversely rated programs from view.

Now, the FCC has announced that it is soliciting public comments through
November 24, on the idea of placing V-chips inside personal computers
since some are capable of delivering television programming.

iAt the time the V-chip was being considered we warned that with the
growing convergence between traditional television (broadcast and cable)
and the Internet, it was only a matter of time before the government
would move to require that the V-chip be placed in PC's. Now that has
happened,i Steinhardt said.

iHardwiring censorship technology into the PC is part of the headlong
rush to
a scheme of rating and blocking Internet content that will turn the
Internet into a bland homogenized medium in which only large corporate
interest will have truly free speech,i Steinhardt said.

The ACLU has criticized the mandatory requirement of V-chip arguing that
it is a form of censorship clearly forbidden by the First Amendment.

iAlthough its supporters claim the V-chip gives parents control over
children's viewing habits, in fact it will function as a governmental
usurpation of parental control,i said Solange Bitol, Legislative Counsel
for the ACLUis Washington National Office.

iUnder the legislation, it is the government (either directly or by
coercing private industry), and not the parents, that will determine how
programs will be rated. If a parent activates the V-chip, all programs
with a "violent" rating will be blocked. What kind of violence will be
censored? Football games? War movies? News reports?i she added.

The ACLU is opposed to mandatory addition or use of censoring
technologies and we will be filing comments with the FCC later this
month. We believe people are smart enough to turn off their television
sets or PCs on their own if they donit like what they see.

Tell the FCC what you think. Submit comments to them online at
http://www.fcc.gov/vchip/, and send us a copy as well so that we make
sure your voice is heard. E-mail them to CSehgal@aclu.org.

Anyways, see you all later. Have a late lunch. Bye bye,
Good night.


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