Matt's Birthday

One day, while checking my email, I got the following letter:

Date: 9:2:99 11\02Nite
Received: 9:2:99 11\10Nite
From: VeSTeD11@aol.com
To: Lance Romañce, Tendonitus@aol.com

Hey Ben,
Its me, eric hoffman, lance romance fan numero uno!!!! Heres what I need. Your biggest fan in the world, Matt Rozzero, has a birthday coming up on Sept. 12. Heres your mission.... I want you to write a song for or about Matt. I'll contact you soon. I am willing to pay $$$$$$$ 25 $$$$$ dollars for this song, however long it is...a.k.a. about 2-3 mins. I know this is a lot to ask, but I know you'll do anything for your fans. Please e-mail back and I'll explain more. Yours eric hoffman

He called me before i got this email actualy, and left a message on my machine, he wanted to make sure I got this message ASAP. So I called him back, and took these notes:

plays the drums
drew berrymore gummo 19 or 20
born
pavement, sebadoh, flaming lips belle sebastian
julie boring stalking

Then he wrote me to recape what we had talked baout on the phone:


Date: 9:4:99 12\08Morn
Received: 9:4:99 12\10Morn
From: VeSTeD11@aol.com
To: Lance Romañce, Tendonitus@aol.com

Hey ben...
how's the Matt Rozzero project going?? Just to recap all info.......
his birthday is the 12th. he's a musician..... he plays the drums...... his fav. bands are "Flaming Lips "and "Belle and Sebastion"...... his ex girlfriend stalks him........ he likes Ralph Wiggum from the Simpsons....... his fav. color's green....... he likes to eat at Felinii's pizza...... and he's gonna be 19. Send me an email when the projects on the way....... I'll call in a few days..... and if it's all good, I'll send $25....... lots of love................ and have a punk rock day... eric hoffman

So I wrote a song as follows:


i know a guy who drawrs cartoons
he drawrs em bout japonese baboons
an aspiring cartoonist
his dad is a baloonist

so he feels up ladies
he lissens to slim shadies
he is a racist

he lives in warwick
he has no job
but when he drawrs cartoons
they come alive

he plays tricks on people
he likes to tell jokes
he knows a lot of racist jokes
I decided on my lonesome that this wasn't the song I would record from Matt. I never even recorded this one, though its not bas so maybe i will recorded it for someone else some day.

I didn't record the song till the day i was supposed to give it to his friend Eric. Not only did i wait so long to record it, i never even wrote it. Until that night I had nothing in mind I just sat down and started recording and this is what I ended up with. The lyrics were improvised and every thing.

Well, on the phone, Eric just said he was going to be 19 or 20, not like the email where he spacificly says "19". So even though you its not very under standable, at the beginning i say "19 or 20 years ago..." because I had forgotten he specified in the email. Or not forgotten, but i just wasn't sure i he had or not. But to be safe, i said "19 or 20."

The space noise you hear in the beginning is me moving my finger oiver my lip and i sped up the tape.

Then for the music. Well, he said he liked pave ment and the flaming lips and stuff like that. I know this one song by pavement called "Cut Your Hair" or something, on the crooked rain album, where the chrus just says "woo-oo woo--oo hoo hoo" in high voices or something like that, and then there is that 3rd eye blind song called "Semi Charmed Life" where the chrus is "do do do, do d'do do" and there was one other alt. song i thought of that does that but i can't remember at the moment. It became a mildly populer trend in alternative music in the mid 90s. Just like the grunge trend of saying something like "and ah say ooooooh" or "and ah say "ahhhh", youll find a lot of grunge songs do something like that. So i wantred to do woo hoos in high voice for thehook of the song, like those alt songs, being the trend follower that I am, so I did that.

On the hip hop chorus, I took the sample from "It Takes Two" by Rob Base. I'm not sure where he sampled it from.I just added that for fun. The sampling isn't on the origional 8-track tape, i added that durring mix down.

On the third verse, the "woo" sound gets funny on the right speaker. This is because I plugged the microphone through a wah wah peddel.

There was more music at the end of the song, maybe a minute or two or so... It was the musc fooling around, and me saying "hey ladies" a whole lot more, and on the right channle, i did what i call the hello kitty bit. Hello Kitty basicly just goes "hello sunshine, hello donky, hello ash tray" and just say's hello to everything. This was prevoked by a hello kitty comercial that was aired frequently at the time, and the comercial said hello to 3 things then hello to kitty, then to 3 more things the hello to the kitty.. What i did was insted of saying hello to every thing, i said happy birthday to everything. I said happy birthday to three things , then said happy birthday to mathew. I even said Happy Birthday Kitty once, and i did the whole bit through the wah wah pedal. I cut all this off because I just thought it wasn't nessisary and didn't add anythingto the song, and just thought people were more likely to lissen to the next song if i got rid of this.

This entire song has an echo on everything. You probably don't notice it now, but if you herd it with out the echo you would notice. It gave it a very bouncey, light headed feel, made the song sound weirder. At the time of recording, i had no echo making machine. I had thought of a way to add echo with the equipment I had, using a 3 head tape deck and my mixer , and decided to try it out on this track. Basicly, I set the tape deck to play while it was recording, which is what a 3 head tape deck is supposed to be used for. It plays back what was just recorded, but with a split second delay. With my mixer, I turned on the tape deck, so i would have that split second delay. Then the tape deck records that little delay and plays that back, so i get an infanite feed back loop, which worked very magnificently. It gets a better echo than my normal echo does if i want to do any surf music. This is the same technique i used on the guitar on FIre Safety, as well as the vocals on No Pants Please.

The entire tape is sped up.

This is by far the most experimental song I have ever done. From the voice through the wah wah, to the alt. woos, and the sped up tape and the wacky echo tape, and this is also the first song I used sampling on. The way it goes from alt. to a hip hop sort of chorus, as well as that wacky space intro, and all the lyrics I made up onthe spot... This song I made for hire, i just through it together for that, but &Mac246; was so pleased with the results. I wasn't going to put it on my record, but i liked it so much. Finely, at the last minute, I said to my self"of course this should go on the record!!" So i cut off the ending and ala ka zam, here it is.

By the way, I only got paid 20 bucks for this song, not 25 like Eric origionaly said. Also, the phone number i give the girls in the song is no longer my phone number, and hasn't been since June of 2000


19 or 20 years ago.....

matt....

arrived.....

happy birthday mathew
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to mathew
i hope a girl sucks out your penis goo
you've been waiting for years
to be old enough to drink lots of beer
well maybe in a year or two
you'll be old enough to do that too

happy birthday to mathew
i love you man what can i say
happy birthday to mathew
i'd fuck you up the ass but i'm not gay
my birthday is in december
you'd better not for get please remember
get me lots of gifts on my birthday

hey girls lisetening to this song
why don't you give me a call
421-4003
forget mathew its me you should ball
hey girls
lets fuck
mathew happy birthday
girls lets fuck